The Standards You Would Never Apply to Your Team (But Demand of Yourself)

Have you ever caught yourself saying something supportive to a team member, only to realise you'd never extend that same kindness to yourself? 

• Take all the time you need to recover. 

• Don't worry – everyone makes mistakes. 

• Of course you don't need to check your emails on holiday. 

Yet when it comes to your own wellbeing, performance, and boundaries, many charity leaders operate with an entirely different rulebook. One with impossibly high standards, zero margin for error, and absolutely no breaks. 

I've spent years watching this pattern play out across the sector; and I’ve experienced it myself. I’ve seen the senior leader encourage flexible working for their organisation but felt guilty if she wasn't at her desk by 8am. The leader insisting his team take proper lunch breaks, whilst he ate his lunch in front of his laptop. The CEO making sure her leadership team booked their annual leave but ending up with all of hers to take in the last quarter of the year. 

This double standard is actively undermining both you and your charity. 

The Self-Criticism Gap 

Have you ever stopped to consider the difference between how you treat your teams and yourself? 

When your Head of Fundraising misses a target, you sit down with them to discuss the external factors, the learning opportunities, and how to approach things differently next time. But when you don't secure that grant? You're up at 3am mentally cataloguing all your failings as a leader and questioning whether you're cut out for this role at all. 

Your Director of Services sends an email with a small error, and you hardly notice. When you do the same, you're mortified and send three follow-up apologies. You insist a team member goes home when they're unwell, but you power through illness because there's just too much that needs doing. 

This double standard shows up in countless ways: the boundaries you protect for others but ignore for yourself; the development opportunities you ensure your team receives while neglecting your own; the work-life balance you promote organisation-wide but don't allow for yourself. 

Why We Do This to Ourselves 

This pattern doesn't emerge from nowhere; the charity sector creates the perfect conditions for impossible standards and self-criticism: 

The weight of responsibility for both your team and the communities you serve can make every decision feel momentous. When you're acutely aware that your choices affect vulnerable people, the pressure to get everything right becomes overwhelming. 

The sector's persistent funding constraints mean you're constantly trying to do more with less, which in turn to accept as your responsibility to solve. You internalise the belief that if you can just do more, work harder, it’ll work out ok. But there are only so many hours in the day. 

There's an unspoken assumption that working for a charity means sacrifice is expected. That you work for a charity, it’s out of the goodness of your heart (not because you need to pay the bills), that you need to be willing to give your all and be grateful. And this creates the belief that this work requires some level of personal martyrdom. 

And let's be honest, many of us were drawn to charity work because we care deeply about others. That same compassion that serves others so well can make us remarkably tough on ourselves. 

The Hidden Costs 

This self-critical approach might feel like it's driving you to excel, but in reality, it creates significant problems: 

Your wellbeing suffers first. The constant pressure you put on yourself leads to stress, burnout, and a diminished quality of life. One operations director told me she realised she hadn't taken a proper weekend off in three years – and wondered why she felt constantly exhausted. 

Your decision-making becomes distorted. Perfectionism leads to procrastination on important tasks, risk-aversion when innovation is needed, and excessive time spent on details that don't significantly impact outcomes. 

Most importantly, it sets an unsustainable example. Despite what you say, your team watches what you do. When they see you sending emails through the evening, working through illness, or beating yourself up over minor errors, they see what's really expected, regardless of what you say to them. 

A Different Approach 

Finding a more sustainable and compassionate way to lead doesn't mean lowering your standards in relation to your organisational outcomes, but it does means applying the same thoughtful, nuanced approach to yourself that you naturally extend to others: 

Start noticing the difference. When you find yourself being harsh on your own performance, ask what would I say to a team member in this situation? The contrast can be eye-opening. 

Challenge the belief that self-criticism makes you a better leader. Research consistently shows that psychological safety, not fear, creates the conditions for excellence. You already know this works for your team; it works for you too. This means you need to start being kind to yourself. 

Set boundaries that you’ll actually stick to.  Whether it's no email after 6pm, proper lunch breaks, or protecting your weekends; treat your own boundaries as seriously as you'd treat others’. 

Remember that sustainability matters. Your charity needs you for the long haul, not burnt out within two years. Being kind to yourself isn't self-indulgence: it's the essential foundation for lasting leadership. 

The standards we should hold ourselves to aren't lower than those we apply to our teams; they're exactly the same. Both deserve thoughtfulness, realism, and basic human kindness. 

Are you routinely setting impossible standards for yourself while being much more reasonable with your team? Let's talk about finding a more sustainable approach that actually improves your leadership effectiveness. Book a free 30-minute call to find a new way to lead.