Why Charity Leaders Feel So Alone and How to Start Changing It
There’s a question a client shared with me once that often comes up for me when I’m thinking about work. She said to me “I’m there for everyone else. But who’s got my back?”. Beyond her monthly session with me, she felt so alone. The board were supportive, but didn’t really get it, no one was asking her if she was ok or thinking about her development. And beyond this, she felt alone with the weight of the emotional responsibility of the charity, she didn’t feel she had anyone to share the load with.
If you lead a charity, I suspect this resonates, because the loneliness of leadership in this sector is often not spoken about, and yet it’s one of the most consistent experiences I hear about from the leaders I work with.
Why we don’t always recognise this
This sort of loneliness can be hard to see; after all you spend your day in meetings, on calls, you’re always with others in some way or another, yet you feel the full impact of that loneliness.
The trouble is, although you’re surrounded by people, everyone wants something from you.
Your senior team.
Your board and trustees.
Your funders and stakeholders.
Your staff.
They are all looking to you for answers, not offering them. Every conversation is about what the charity needs, what they need, and what you need to do about it. The focus is almost never on you, on how you are, what you need, or what’s realistic for you to achieve.
Alongside this there’s the weight of responsibility, the knowledge that the buck stops with you, a pressure which no one else in the organisation holds. It makes leaders feel that they are holding it all together on their own, that they can’t fully offload to their leadership team or the board, and that they have to keep going regardless. And this is an exceptionally lonely position to be in.
And when no one is asking how you are or if you need support, it means that you start to question what they will think if you do ask for help. That they might think you haven’t got what it takes, that you're not working hard enough, that you’re not committed enough, and that they’ll lose confidence in you. So, you don’t ask for help, you carry on holding it all. And you feel even more alone.
Why leaders experience this
Research shows how common this is.
If this sense of loneliness resonates, you’re not alone. Only 38% of charity leaders say they have great support from their chair or board and 32% say they have no meaningful support at all. Top this with the knowledge that charity leaders typically work on average of 10 extra hours a week, and it paints a stark image. This is the perfect environment for burnout to develop, and this doesn’t just impact on these leaders, the lack of this meaningful support will ripple out across the organisation impacting on the broader staff team, how effectively it works, sickness levels, retention and ultimately the charity’s ability to meet its aims.
The board and trustees often don’t quite get it.
Even when chairs and trustees are supportive and well-intentioned, many don’t have a background in running a charity themselves. They understand governance, they understand strategy, but the lived reality of what it feels like to lead a charity, the emotional labour, the impossible juggling act, the decisions with no good answer, that’s harder to convey. And when 1-to-1s do happen, the focus is typically on the charity’s needs, not the leaders.
There’s a fear of being seen not to know.
Many leaders worry that they’re somehow not equipped or cut out for the job, and that eventually be found out. This isn’t surprising when many leaders don’t have an induction, clear objectives, or the role was something other than what they were told (all too often leaders are told the board want a strategic leader, with the vision to take the charity forward, but the reality is that the basics need to be in place. This leaves leaders chasing their tail). But because they’re expected to just know what to do, asking for help means they risk being seen to not know what to do. So. leaders keep on keeping on, juggling everything, and working in a way which isn’t sustainable for them.
Your senior team can’t be your support.
You’re there to support them, and many of the things you carry you simply cannot share downwards. The boundary is necessary, but it often means that the people who probably best understand the pressures you face can’t support you through them.
And then there’s the wider isolation.
Peer support from other CEOs is priceless, but when you’re stretched, it’s the first thing to go. Coffee with a peer, finding time for networks or conferences, engaging with organisations like ACEVO, all of it gets deprioritised in favour of the busyness of the day to day. But this makes the loneliness worse. Which makes the work harder. Which makes there feel like less time for connection. It becomes a vicious cycle.
Add to that the reluctance to keep going on about work with friends and family, not wanting to bore or burden them & the desire to actually switch off when you’re at home, means you might not have an outlet outside of work.
When we look at it like this, it’s no wonder you feel alone.
What you can actually do about it
None of these are quick fixes, but they all can play a part in making you feel less alone, and they’re worth considering how you can fit them into your working week.
1. Build connection inside the organisation, beyond the work.
Yes, there are things you can’t talk about. But how many of your conversations are focused entirely on the challenges, finding solutions and supporting others and their work?
And how much of your time is focussed on sharing and celebrating successes and achievements (including yours)?
And beyond this, how much time and space is there for moments of genuine warmth, humour, relationship building and mutual care? These things often feel like a nice to have a work, especially when you’re all flat out. But taking the time to build connection & community around the work, will mean that you all work more effectively together, and make you feel less alone. Your culture needs community, and this is worth investing time in deliberately, even if it starts small.
2. Invest in peer support outside the organisation.
You’re busy. Time for a coffee with a peer feels like a luxury you can’t afford. And yet not doing it is isolating you in a way that compounds over time.
Start small and realistic, what one thing can you commit to this month? One peer relationship you maintain. One network you attend quarterly, not monthly. One conference a year where you’re not presenting, but just connecting and focussed on your needs as a leader.
3. Get clear on what you need from your chair, and ask for it.
This can be a real challenge, and if the relationship is difficult, this might not feel like an option. But if you feel able to, this is worth doing, and again start small. Often we don’t get the support we need because the other person doesn’t know what we need.
Think about it how often have you come home from work and told your partner or friend about a challenge at work, and they jump straight into giving advice or problem solving, and that’s not what you need. It’s the same with your chair and the board.
So start small, next time you have a problem or a challenge, be clear what you need from them, and tell them this. Whether it’s that you need advice, a sounding board, someone to work through the problem with. Once you’ve tried this, moving into the bigger conversations of what support and development look like for you might be easier.
And if you’re a chair or trustee reading this, your CEO’s 1-to-1 with you needs to include how they are, not just what the charity needs. They may brush it off or say they’re fine, because they’re so used to thinking about everyone else that they don’t know how to answer the question. Ask twice. Make space. Include their development and progression in those conversations.
There also needs to be an honest conversation about what is realistic and sustainable for the leader, particularly in small charities where they are wearing all the hats and filling structural gaps. Leaders will default to putting the charity first at their own expense, but that isn’t sustainable for the charity either. The long-term costs, burnout, sickness, recruitment when a leader finally reaches their limit, far outweigh the impact of the slowing the work down to something more realistic & sustainable.
4. Consider specialist support.
Regular, skilled support, whether that’s coaching, supervision, or a combination, offers something that almost nothing else can, a confidential space where the focus is entirely on you, held by someone who understands the sector, and who has no stake in what you decide.
It gives you emotional distance from challenges you can’t share with your team. It helps you think more clearly about decisions you’re carrying alone. It addresses the strategic and the personal in the same space. And for many leaders, it’s the only conversation in their month where they are not the one doing the supporting.
The bigger picture
The loneliness of charity leadership is not inevitable, it is the product of a sector that has normalised a model of leadership that is unsustainable, that asks its leaders to give everything, to be available to everyone, and to ask for very little in return.
That needs to change if we want a sector which has the kind of long term impact we know it can.
And if you’re a leader who would benefit from monthly support to help you navigate the challenges and help you make the best decisions for you and your charity then I’d love to help. If you’d like to find out more, book a free call.